Recognizing Patterns in Your Relationships

s a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy, I often hear a familiar, and largely avoidable, lament: “I always pick the wrong person. The chemistry always seems great in the beginning, but over time I discover that my relationships always fall into the same negative patterns, almost as if they were carbon copies of each other.” Does this sentiment sound familiar?

The above case is a perfect example of how people are often "burned" due to continual attraction to the same kind of person, and for a number of reasons. First, many folks allow their heart rule to rule their head, but a healthy dose of each is necessary to gain critical perspective. Also, they look for relationships or marriage to heal old emotional wounds inflicted by parents or former lovers. As a result, we are often attracted to people who are psychologically carbon copies of a person - often a parent - by whom we never felt truly accepted. Therefore, we unconsciously hope that if we can make someone love us that maybe we could have gotten that parent to love us. Then something unique occurs: the spouse essentially represents two people - the spouse AND the wounding authority figure. Problems occur when the person in a relationship with “two” people is willing to endure almost double the amount of abuse and negativity before giving up trying to win over that person.

Amazingly, upon getting a divorce many people fall in love again with a similar type of person. One of my most memorable clients was a husband beginning therapy with his sixth wife, complaining that he was incredibly unlucky to have gotten “stuck” with someone with whom he was ultimately incompatible. Obviously, that sentiment did nothing but steer him toward another divorce!

So how do we become unstuck? First, we must engage in critical self-reflection. Recognizing negative relationship patterns and behaviors is just the beginning however, because eventually we must deal with underlying childhood emotions before we can free ourselves in the present. Rather than be enslaved by the past, therapy can provide the tools to help us mourn past maltreatment rather than repeat past mistakes. Most important, this process begins the road to self-acceptance.

Remember: Falling in love, especially when the chemistry seems “just right” indirectly implies a secret and magical element. However, it is vital to recognize that the presence of chemistry, lust, or love should not imply the absence of critical self-reflection.